Tired of your kids not listening to you? Are you expecting too much of them? As a seasoned parent, I know how frustrating it can be when kids just don't want to listen. Perhaps you are treating them like property rather than team members. Kids are more likely to listen when they feel they are a part of something. Always remember your kids are team members, not property. Be the boss without being condescending. Just because you are in charge does not mean you should take advantage of this position. Yes, children should be taught to listen to their parents and respect their elders. But there is a big difference between expecting good behavior and demanding perfection. There is no need to make children feel scared or unworthy to get them to behave. In fact, doing so is likely to create the opposite effect you are looking for. Kids are people, not robots. They are living, breathing beings with their own thoughts and opinions. While it may not be what you'd like, children will speak their minds and should be allowed to. This doesn't mean they should run amok. But they also should have a say in some things. They are not robots who can just be ordered to do something and it's done. There is a learning and growing process and there will be bumps along the way. The goal of a parent is not to create a robot, but someone who knows how to make wise choices. Listen to your kid's choices. They might have a good point you didn't think of. Just because your child does not agree with you does not mean he is wrong. Listen to what he has to say. Perhaps he has a valid point. Speaking one's mind is not the same thing as misbehaving. It doesn't mean he wants to go against you. It just means he wants you to listen to his viewpoint. Be understanding, even if you don't choose their option every time. Whether your child's view is one you agree with or not, just listen. If you never hear him out, he will think you don't care what his thoughts are and he will have a valid point. Understand and respect your child's opinions. Being understanding does not always mean being in agreement. But it does mean considering more options than your original one. There are times you will need to form a compromise. Your goal is not to create your clone. It is to teach your child to be a productive member of society in their own unique way. A good parent/child relationship is one where both parties are working together as a team. Remember that your child is not property. You have responsibility to raise him, but ultimately each person is in charge of himself. Note: The author's positive parenting method has evolved into what she calls Upstream Parenting. *I originally published this via Yahoo Contributor Network
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With the news of Amy Chua's Tiger Mother parenting spreading like wildfire, people are starting to look at the extremes of parenting from all sides. Because I subscribe to my own self-created positive parenting methods, I have been questioned by readers about discipline. Many have made assumptions that positive parenting methods do not offer discipline and that children are being catered to. I cannot speak for all parents. However, my positive parenting methods definitely involve discipline.
What is positive parenting? Positive parenting is a method in which guardians choose to guide children without force. It is about looking for ways to teach and parent children that stimulate positive reactions, behaviors, and lessons. In positive parenting, the goal is to teach children how to resolve issues, control emotions and behaviors, and relate to others in a way that brings about a positive result. What is discipline? Discipline is the act of teaching the consequences of actions. Discipline is necessary in showing children what happens when they do or don't do certain things throughout life. Children who receive zero discipline may fail to fully understand why certain behaviors and actions are inappropriate. Some misconceptions about positive parenting and discipline:
What is positive discipline? In positive parenting, the goal is not to avoid discipline, but to use it in a way that is productive in a good way. There is not one positive method that will work in every situation. In fact, for discipline to trigger a positive and productive response from children, it should be geared toward each unique situation. Also, remember that that each child has unique needs, depending on age, abilities, mental and social state, and more. You know your child best. When choosing discipline methods that will teach the lesson, as well as create a positive result, think of the situation itself, as well as what is most likely to work for your child. For instance, a timeout might work work well for one two year old. But drawing an apology picture or getting a privilege or toy taken away may work for another. Is there a such thing as negative discipline? Of course. Negative discipline is that which either harms the child or does not effectively teach the lesson. It can also be both. Some parents may find that spanking their children only makes them fearful in their presence and also teaches their children to hit others in order to solve a problem. If this is the case in your home, you have found a negative discipline method. Any method that causes another harm or creates more issues than it solves is a negative form of discipline. How can my family start using positive discipline? One of the easiest ways I have recommended to those new to positive parenting is to start a Parenting Mistake Journal. Take down all the issues in your home each day and what you did to solve the issues. Look over the issues and observe the kids to see whether your discipline techniques had a positive or negative impact. If the results from your actions turn out negative or the problem was not really resolved, try to think of a more positive way to turn things around. Do this daily until you get to a point where you no longer need a journal to figure things out. Note: The author's positive parenting method has evolved into what she calls Upstream Parenting. *I originally published this via Yahoo Contributor Network
My father was a huge disciplinarian and I thank my mom every day for having the sense to get away from him early on. Some of the scars from his mistreatment will probably stick with me my whole life. My mom's methods stick with me too -- in a positive way. While yelling, spanking, demanding and other forceful methods my dad used got me to obey at the time, they actually taught me nothing, other than that he was not a very nice person. My mom's more positive methods taught me too. They actually taught me important life lessons that stick with me today.
There are several things Chua never allowed her daughters to do. These included play dates, performing in a school play (and they could not complain about this), be less than No. 1 in every subject (except gym and drama), and refuse to play the violin and piano. These two instruments were a requirement, and long and rigorous practices happened every day, leaving the kids no time for play. In her book, she states this is the normal way children are raised in Eastern cultures. She believes Westerners have it all wrong. The fact the children were not allowed to make play dates -- and did not even have time for play, anyway -- is appalling. Children need to play. It helps develop important social and life skills. The American Academy of Pediatrics states that play is crucial to cognitive, physical, emotional, and social well-being. My child-rearing methods are a complete about-face of Chua's. I currently am raising my children in Colorado. They are also educated from home sometimes. So perhaps I fit the "Westerner" mentality she seems to loathe. I believe in gaining respect by giving it. I also believe children have the right to decide their own beliefs and interests. Through my self-developed positive parenting methods, my children are educated through nature, books and play and are taught to be independent thinkers. During music practice, Chua actually says to her daughter "Oh, my God, you're just getting worse and worse." How is she supposed to be encouraged to continue? If a child really feels she is just getting worse, she may also feel there is no point in going further. In line with my positive parenting techniques, I would suggest a parent instead find a way to make learning the proper notes easier. When my kids are struggling with a subject, I like to create games that draw their interest, as well as teach the skill they need to learn. For instance, I have used basketball to enhance study time, made math fun with music, and so much more. I find that children are more receptive to learning when it is presented as something fun, rather than as a chore. I also do not force it on them and because of the lack of pressure and the entertainment involved, my children thoroughly enjoy learning. There is a huge difference between encouraging educational responsibility in children and treating them like property. Note: The author's positive parenting method has evolved into what she calls Upstream Parenting. (This was originally published on Yahoo News via Yahoo Contributor Network) Positive Parenting Tips: Respecting Your Child's Own Beliefs
"Mom, I don't know how to tell you this, but I am an Atheist." If you're a Christian, this might be hard to hear from your child. If you believe a certain faith (or none), if your child's beliefs are not the same as yours, it may make you feel like a failure or may even upset you. But as parents, we must all love our children, regardless of whether their beliefs line up with our own. Here are some things to remember and ways to cope with this situation.
Your beliefs are not the only ones. While we all would like our children to follow the same belief system we hold, there are many other faiths and beliefs than the ones we each hold. Realize that they may choose to believe something that you don't necessarily agree with. This does not mean they don't respect you. It just means they may have a different thought process. Teach your child what you value without forcing it. It is perfectly normal to teach your children about what you believe in. However, it is not acceptable to force it on them. Remember that children have rights too. Just because they are smaller and an extension of you does not mean they are your robots. Allow them to think for themselves. They may agree with your values, but they also might not. Unless your child is in immediate danger, allow them freedom to make their own choices. Realize your child's beliefs may differ from yours. If your child's value system does not resemble yours, it is not a personal attack on you. Every person is different. Embrace your child's unique strengths and beliefs. It can be difficult to do this when it is a matter of values and religion. However, remember that your child will not be a child his whole life. He needs to learn to make decisions himself to succeed in the world. Listen to your child without judgment. Let her tell you where she is coming from and why. Don't explain why you feel she is wrong. Just be quiet and listen. She may have a point - or you may completely disagree. Either way, respect her individualism and let her express her thoughts to you. This lets her know that she matters to you and will help her feel comfortable in opening up to you. Discuss each other's beliefs openly without expectations. Once it has been established that your beliefs differ, have open discussions regularly. You can tell each other about your faiths without judgment or expectations. The goal in these discussions is not to convince each other one way or the other. Rather, it should be to understand the other's faith whether you agree with it or not. *I originally published this via Yahoo Contributor Network |
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